{Relationships} The 'Living-Together' Pandemic

My Great Aunt and Uncle on their 40th Wedding Anniversary!  Sticking together is something to be celebrated!!

With Josh and I having recently become engaged, I can't even begin to tell you how much advice we have received from people on how they would "do over" their experience and what, in their opinion, we should do during our pre-marriage days. One of the most common questions we have been asked besides "Have you set a date," has been "You guys are moving in together first, right?" 

In the very beginning stages of our dating relationship, Josh and I discussed what our intentions were (dating with the purpose of finding our life-partner/helpmate) and if we found that we were meant for each other, what the process would look like. We both agreed from day one (October 21, 2011) that we would choose to honor God with purity until our wedding night and that if it came to getting engaged and married that we would only move in together after we tied the knot. Our relationship is very modern in many ways, but for things pertaining to our faith and beliefs, I supposed we are what American's today would consider 'old-fashioned' and I am perfectly okay with that. 

It seems almost timely that an article on cohabiting before marriage posted on The New York Times Sunday Review has recently become viral. In this article, clinical psychologist, Meg Jay, catalogs the revolution of cohabitation before marriage and why it, often times leads to the demise of marriage. I sincerely encourage all of my readers to click the link and at least skim the article. It is from a secular perspective, but still presents the case for not moving in together.

She quotes a few studies that have been done on how this became the norm in America and what it means for the dynamic of American dating and marriage. One of the she wrote confirms something I have been saying for years about the American family changing because of the sexual revolution that occurred in the 1960's...

"Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis."

 The acceptance of having sex before you get married is what has made prophylaxis an issue in the first place; it doesn't help that having 'up to seven sexual partners in your lifetime' is being advocated by pediatricians. Yes, I love my old pediatrician, but I cringed when we began these routine talks at my annual check-ups once I turned fifteen.  She was proud of my decision for abstinence, but assured me that my thoughts would change when I got a boyfriend. They didn't!  And actually, if anything, it made me more committed to my decision to wait. You don't have to worry about disease prevention if you aren't sexually active!!!

Many people also think that it is a necessity for a couple to live together before they get married so they can do a 'test-drive' before they get make a commitment to get hitched. When Meg asked one of her clients how she and her significant other ended up moving in together, she mentioned that "it just happened." When couples are having sex before they get married and are spending multiple nights per week at the house of their partner, the case for moving in to save money on rent and bills arises. Meg attributes this transition to a term called 'sliding-not-deciding.'

The danger with this is that when moving in together just happens, it jumps the gun for the natural stages of progression for relationships and many issues that should have been addressed first are swept under the rug. The predicament that moving in with a partner causes is the inability to walk away if you realize you aren't meant for each other; each person is dependent upon the other for a place to eat, sleep, and live. Eventually, they you get comfortable enough with each other that you decide to take the next step of getting married and quite often realize years (sometimes only months!) later that you are just really great coed roommates.

And America wonders why the divorce rate is said to be around 55%.

With everyone trying to jam their ideas down the throats of newly-engaged, it's really good to know the reasons behind the decisions you and your man have chosen to walk out your relationship the way you have. Not that everyone deserves to know every knitty-gritty detail, but just do that you can continue to honor God with your relationship. It really can help others when you choose to stay strong and not let the temptations of the world get to you. By choosing to stay pure and also to not move in together before marriage, you are telling the world that you hold the Biblical example of marriage sacred and dear and that you respect each other and GODS WORD enough to go against societal norms. It's just another way to use the pre-marriage stage of your relationship to reflect God's work in your life, and it definitely makes Him smile :)

Two is Better Than One

My Aunt Peggy and Uncle Frank have been together for 40 years as of last year. They got married in a decade where interracial couples were looked down upon in society. Only two others came to their wedding, and most gave them less than a year before they got divorced, but here they are 40 years later re-upping and renewing their vows with even more love for each other than when they initially got married. 

If you have ever been in a relationship, be it romantic or platonic, you know that they all have their up's and down's. It can sometimes be hard to see why you are involved with the person and it's often tempting to cut and run. However, God warns us about doing this... it's hard to recover from a fall when you've pushed away everyone who can lift you up!

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 

This has become abundantly clear to me in my relationship with my boyfriend but it can apply to any relationship you are currently in. It's hard in today's day and age to stick around long enough to fix something that's broken. Why do you think the divorce rate in America is 55%?  That is an abomination, friends!  We should be severely embarrassed that our generation is so inwardly focused and selfish that they can't stop long enough to help pick their friends (or significant others) up, dust them off, and get them back on track. Just because it is hard does not mean we shouldn't try.  

It is especially difficult when depression is involved. Depression has this evil way of sneaking in to your life and getting tangled up in every part. I can speak about this from experience from both the depressed side and the friend/significant other of people who are frequently battling with depression. It is ABSOLUTELY a real issue and it's ABSOLUTELY from Satan. Those who are depressed tend to be cranky, sad, and often times will push away their close friends without realizing it. It's easy to say, "Psht! Fine, whatever. I don't need to deal with this." But that's not what God calls us to as friends!  He says in Proverbs that a friend loves at all times and that iron sharpens iron. What better way to sharpen each other in a relationship than showing that you are going to stick around and put in the work even when the going gets rough?  That is how we can use our relationships to be a testimony to God's good work in our lives because without Christ being involved, we would have no reason or conviction to stay and make it work.

I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. You are brought together with friends, even if just for a season, to be seasoning in each others lives. Whether you are the motivator or the motivated, the depressed or the one pulling your friends up out of the mud, you are there for a reason!  You add something to life that is uniquely yours. You have been given gifts that you can use to show God's love, majesty, and omnipotence. 

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

-1 Peter 4:8-10

I implore you to prayerfully stay in your relationships when it gets hard. God sees your heart and effort and will bless your dedication in His timing.