{Relationships} The 'Living-Together' Pandemic

My Great Aunt and Uncle on their 40th Wedding Anniversary!  Sticking together is something to be celebrated!!

With Josh and I having recently become engaged, I can't even begin to tell you how much advice we have received from people on how they would "do over" their experience and what, in their opinion, we should do during our pre-marriage days. One of the most common questions we have been asked besides "Have you set a date," has been "You guys are moving in together first, right?" 

In the very beginning stages of our dating relationship, Josh and I discussed what our intentions were (dating with the purpose of finding our life-partner/helpmate) and if we found that we were meant for each other, what the process would look like. We both agreed from day one (October 21, 2011) that we would choose to honor God with purity until our wedding night and that if it came to getting engaged and married that we would only move in together after we tied the knot. Our relationship is very modern in many ways, but for things pertaining to our faith and beliefs, I supposed we are what American's today would consider 'old-fashioned' and I am perfectly okay with that. 

It seems almost timely that an article on cohabiting before marriage posted on The New York Times Sunday Review has recently become viral. In this article, clinical psychologist, Meg Jay, catalogs the revolution of cohabitation before marriage and why it, often times leads to the demise of marriage. I sincerely encourage all of my readers to click the link and at least skim the article. It is from a secular perspective, but still presents the case for not moving in together.

She quotes a few studies that have been done on how this became the norm in America and what it means for the dynamic of American dating and marriage. One of the she wrote confirms something I have been saying for years about the American family changing because of the sexual revolution that occurred in the 1960's...

"Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis."

 The acceptance of having sex before you get married is what has made prophylaxis an issue in the first place; it doesn't help that having 'up to seven sexual partners in your lifetime' is being advocated by pediatricians. Yes, I love my old pediatrician, but I cringed when we began these routine talks at my annual check-ups once I turned fifteen.  She was proud of my decision for abstinence, but assured me that my thoughts would change when I got a boyfriend. They didn't!  And actually, if anything, it made me more committed to my decision to wait. You don't have to worry about disease prevention if you aren't sexually active!!!

Many people also think that it is a necessity for a couple to live together before they get married so they can do a 'test-drive' before they get make a commitment to get hitched. When Meg asked one of her clients how she and her significant other ended up moving in together, she mentioned that "it just happened." When couples are having sex before they get married and are spending multiple nights per week at the house of their partner, the case for moving in to save money on rent and bills arises. Meg attributes this transition to a term called 'sliding-not-deciding.'

The danger with this is that when moving in together just happens, it jumps the gun for the natural stages of progression for relationships and many issues that should have been addressed first are swept under the rug. The predicament that moving in with a partner causes is the inability to walk away if you realize you aren't meant for each other; each person is dependent upon the other for a place to eat, sleep, and live. Eventually, they you get comfortable enough with each other that you decide to take the next step of getting married and quite often realize years (sometimes only months!) later that you are just really great coed roommates.

And America wonders why the divorce rate is said to be around 55%.

With everyone trying to jam their ideas down the throats of newly-engaged, it's really good to know the reasons behind the decisions you and your man have chosen to walk out your relationship the way you have. Not that everyone deserves to know every knitty-gritty detail, but just do that you can continue to honor God with your relationship. It really can help others when you choose to stay strong and not let the temptations of the world get to you. By choosing to stay pure and also to not move in together before marriage, you are telling the world that you hold the Biblical example of marriage sacred and dear and that you respect each other and GODS WORD enough to go against societal norms. It's just another way to use the pre-marriage stage of your relationship to reflect God's work in your life, and it definitely makes Him smile :)

{Spiritual Fitness} Whom Shall I Fear?

I am so incredibly sorry for my lack of posting this past week. After helping my boyfriend, Josh get settled into his house in Cincinnati, my life here in Pittsburgh has become a whirlwind. I have decided that rather than spending this time apart sad and depressed that I only get to see him twice per month, I will use it to get my career together and to reach personal goals that I haven't had time to pour myself into until now. This blog is one of those things!

I have always been the type to go hard to get what I want; I feel that it is really important to have goals in life in order to stay on track and focused. With fitness, weight loss, school, and personal things, having an end goal helps to create a path for the journey and make it a little clearer. I have found that prayer is my best guide when considering things I would like to add to my plate. It seems like every time I am at a cross roads with decision/goal making, God is always faithful to reveal His desire for me when I ask Him to. This song has been a theme song for me since the day that I heard it...

Josh and I have been praying a lot lately about his decision to move to Cincinnati, wondering how to interpret the fact that he had been having a rough time adjusting to the new market. The question came up, "How do I know if this is Satan tempting me and keeping me from my goal, or if it's God telling me that I made the wrong decision?"  This one is HARD because there isn't a clear-cut answer.

Last night as I was working out, this song came up on my Slacker Radio station, and I felt like it was an answer to the prayer we have been lifting up for the past week. Immediately I sent it to Josh. This morning he was reminded to pray before he goes out into the field and by 3:00 PM he had three sales. When we include the Lord in our decisions, and follow up with Him along the way, He will ALWAYS make his will known. In this case, it was via encouragement from a Chris Tomlin song, but He can choose to show his will in other ways too. I am a firm believer that every situation can be redeemed, we just have to seek the redemption out.

There is such a relief in knowing that God has all of our days mapped out and He knows what we are going to do before we even do it. That's why He wants us to seek him when we make our goals and decisions. It's like having the guide to life!  Why wouldn't you want to use it?

{Boyfriends} Disrespect in What You Aren't Doing

trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. (Merriam Webster's Online Dictionary)

In a relationship, trust is such a multifaceted word. People tend to think that trust only has to do with knowing your significant other isn't going to cheat on you with someone else. For many, it takes a while to get to that point in their relationship because we bring "hurt" to the relationship in what we like to call "trust-issues." It may be worse now than ever because the concept of dating has become a past-time rather than a means of figuring out if you are compatible for life. It's all about the here and now and if you get along for now. 

This is why I really hate the fact that people today just "date around" in order to fill a hole in their soul that is loneliness. God never intended for a relationship between a man and a woman to be such a stressful speculation or a means of finding our self-worth. That's what HE is for! 

When you have been dating your man for a while and have built your relationship solidly on the rock that is The Word of God, there enters a third party mediator that acts as accountability for both you. It makes trusting the other to be faithful so much easier. Eventually in a long-term relationship you reach the point of being able to say whole-heartedly, "I know he would never even CONSIDER cheating on me." It's commonplace trust. 

But what about when he ask you if you trust him in other aspects?  What if he asks if you trust his decision-making ability for both of your futures?  That's HARD!  It's one thing to know your man would never cheat on you, but it's another to be so sure that he has BOTH of your interests in mind to allow him to make decisions that impact not only HIS but also YOUR future! 

A really good example of this is a conversation Josh and I had tonight, actually. He is moving to Cincinnati on October 5th, and I (obviously) have been taking it pretty hard. I don't do well with change AT ALL.  For some reason, I thought he's always come pick me up for dates at my parents house - even after we got married. Silly me, I know, but I have questioned him multiple times about if he's sure this is the right move for his career. After probably five different times of this questioning followed by me crying, he finally sort of snapped on me tonight. Looking back at our conversation, I absolutely had it coming. All this time I have been saying with my mouth that I support his decision whatever it may be, but my actions have been saying the exact opposite. 

"Trust is so much more than knowing I'm not going to cheat on you, Danielle. It's trusting that I can make a decision for my career that I know in the end will be the best for both of our benefit. Why can't you see that?  It's the kind of trust that makes our relationship ready for the next level of getting past boyfriend/girlfriend love we have now." 

I honestly had never thought of trust in Josh to be letting go of control and trusting that God is speaking to him enough to trust that the decision he makes will be what is in God's plan for us. How disrespectful of me to think that He hasn't heard clearly from God on this?!  At the time when I thought I had been supporting him the most, I have been so so wrong. Is it hard to let go of my control freak nature and my need to have every action carefully planned the way I want it? Oh my gosh, it's the hardest thing I've done. But this is what I have been looking for in a relationship!  A Godly man that challenges me and calls me out when I need it. One that is so sure in his God-filled decision-making that he is willing to stand up and cause an argument for what he believes God is calling him to do. But I shouldn't provoke him to that.

As his future wife (we aren't engaged yet, but have a purposeful relationship of two years and are heading in the engagement direction :)), I am excited that we had this argument tonight because it is laying the ground work for me to learn how to be submissive to him knowing that he is making choices of love for me and desire to please the Lord with his life. 

18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. - Colossians 3:18-19

That is so admirable to me and it makes me love him even more to know that he is setting our relationship up to be one that is truly pleasing to God. When our men are making decisions based on having heard from God, it is not our place to question it though it is insanely hard!  Sometimes we think of things that they may not have, but being able to bring our thoughts to our guys without it seeming confrontational or seeming to question their ability to make a choice, is a matter of how we choose our words. Saying something like, "Are you sure you prayed about this?" is incredibly offensive. However, something like, "Have you thought/prayed about {fill in the blank here}?" is a way to get your concerns across without being condescending. I am so excited to be learning this now before we get married so we have a strong base to fall back on throughout our lives now and in the future when we are married and making a life with each other. 

Josh and I at the Pirate's game vs. the Reds last night :)  We love baseball and I think he's warming up to candid pictures (it's about time, seeing as he is dating a photographer!)

{Boyfriends} How to Show Your Affection When You Aren't Married - Part One

As young Christian women living in the world today, knowing how to go about relationships in a modern yet Christian way can be very difficult. How do you find a balance that isn't too "old fashioned" but incorporates all of the wholesome and traditional elements of finding your sole mate? How do you act around the man you think you want to marry?  How can you show your care and affection for him without compromising your values sexually?  I know from experience this can be hard - and your parents are right when they say it gets harder to abstain when you know that you have found the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. However, with the power of prayer, accountability, and a very transparent relationship with Christian adults you can trust (in my case with Josh, it's my parents that we look to for help) it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE to be intimate with your significant other without sex like the world says it is.

Naturally, everyone's comfort-ability level with physical intimacy in their relationships are a little different, and it is up to you and your man to set those boundaries from the beginning. I personally am only okay with going as far as sharing kisses with my darling, but I definitely understand that some people don't even want to go that far and it's totally alright!  I just wanted to preface my post, so my readers will know where I am coming from when sharing how I choose to care for Josh in our relationship. My prayer for you no matter how old you are is that you will be blessed and inspired to care for the man in your life to show you love him with out compromising your purity.

PRAY FOR HIM!

I can't stress this enough. it should be bold, underlined and italicized 100 times. When you are looking for a Christian man, it is imperative that you pray for him. I have personal testimonies about this from both my current and previous boyfriends. God is ALWAYS faithful to answer your prayers when you keep Him at the center of your relationship. Whether its giving you guidance on your decision to get married or break up, the Lord never fails to give you peace of mind about your decision as long as it is His will. It keeps peace in your relationship. The Lord was able to show me with a previous boyfriend that it was time to move on, and with my current boyfriend, Josh, that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

It's hard to think that your Superman who is so amazing and lovely to you could have flaws; in love we can all have the tendency to be enamored and caught up in those fluttery gushey feelings. I'm sorry to be a killjoy, but at one point or another, you will realize that he is great and awesome, but definitely has his flaws.  When you choose to pray for him and bring what bothers you to his attention kindly, you'll find that it goes MUCH farther than picking him apart constantly. Which brings me to my next point.

BUILD HIM UP CONSTANTLY 

It's easy to brag on your man to your girlfriends, but how often do you tell him that he's great? Yes, they want to hear how much you love them, but they also need to hear specifics of what you love about them and how they treat you. In the same way that it is important to tell him if something he is doing is bothering you, you need to positively reinforce what he is doing that is good!  Even if it's something like, "I really love it when you hold the door open for me," he will appreciate that his efforts to treat you like a lady are being recognized. It's well known that women like to be complimented on their physical appearance, but did you know that men like to hear when they look nice also?  If you like it when your man wears a certain color or shirt, TELL HIM!  He may be tough and manly, but inside he needs that boost of confidence to know that you find him attractive and that the choices he is making are on the right track.

LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT HIM

Part of the "old fashioned" element of my dating ideals is that the woman should be pursued by the man. As a Godly woman I should be sought after by a Godly man, not vice versa. However, once your man has done the chasing and you are dating, it is not only okay but it is GREAT for you to take initiative in some things. This is something that Josh definitely taught me after a few months of dating. I still like the fact that he is the one who mostly takes initiative in our relationship, but he needs to feel appreciated for doing so. I like to plan surprises like getting tickets to a game or concert I know he would like, offering to occasionally pay for dinner or our date to the movies, our even by planning a surprise date day where we do a bunch of cool things but he gets to relax and doesn't have to drive or pay. Other small ways you can show you care are by sending him the first text in the morning rather than waiting for him to text you, telling him randomly throughout the day that you are thinking about him or a specific thing you did together, and by boosting him up to friends so when they meet, they can say, "Hey, I've heard a lot of great things about you!"

BE THERE FOR HIM

Like I said before, even guys who are tough and manly need an emotional release sometimes. Most won't just come right out and let you know when something is bothering them so it may take some gentle questions to crack your man's tough-guy seal. Try something simple like "Hey, are you okay?  You've been acing a little ____ lately and you usually do that when something is on your mind. I'm here for you if you want to talk about it."  He may or may not take to it, but knowing when to ask the right questions goes a long way. When he feels like you are safe to share with, he will open up - and when he does, you HAVE to keep it under wraps. The last thing he wants is for you to run to your girlfriends and tell them all about his personal business. Be his shoulder to cry on and his go-to person to laugh with.

The other thing about guys is that they're kind of big babies when they get a cold. If you offer to bring over soup and a movie and just snuggle and relax, chances are he will probably love it. Josh has Chron's Disease, which is a chronic intestinal issue. When he is having a flare up, I know he needs rest, Gluten Free pretzels, and a lemon-lime Gatorade. Usually I'll stop by Redbox and get a movie we've been wanting to see and take it over to watch with him. Little things like that are the things that help you bond and will show him that you really do care about his well-being.


This is just the first part of the post on how to care for your man when you aren't married. Check back soon for the second post!