{Boyfriends} Disrespect in What You Aren't Doing

trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. (Merriam Webster's Online Dictionary)

In a relationship, trust is such a multifaceted word. People tend to think that trust only has to do with knowing your significant other isn't going to cheat on you with someone else. For many, it takes a while to get to that point in their relationship because we bring "hurt" to the relationship in what we like to call "trust-issues." It may be worse now than ever because the concept of dating has become a past-time rather than a means of figuring out if you are compatible for life. It's all about the here and now and if you get along for now. 

This is why I really hate the fact that people today just "date around" in order to fill a hole in their soul that is loneliness. God never intended for a relationship between a man and a woman to be such a stressful speculation or a means of finding our self-worth. That's what HE is for! 

When you have been dating your man for a while and have built your relationship solidly on the rock that is The Word of God, there enters a third party mediator that acts as accountability for both you. It makes trusting the other to be faithful so much easier. Eventually in a long-term relationship you reach the point of being able to say whole-heartedly, "I know he would never even CONSIDER cheating on me." It's commonplace trust. 

But what about when he ask you if you trust him in other aspects?  What if he asks if you trust his decision-making ability for both of your futures?  That's HARD!  It's one thing to know your man would never cheat on you, but it's another to be so sure that he has BOTH of your interests in mind to allow him to make decisions that impact not only HIS but also YOUR future! 

A really good example of this is a conversation Josh and I had tonight, actually. He is moving to Cincinnati on October 5th, and I (obviously) have been taking it pretty hard. I don't do well with change AT ALL.  For some reason, I thought he's always come pick me up for dates at my parents house - even after we got married. Silly me, I know, but I have questioned him multiple times about if he's sure this is the right move for his career. After probably five different times of this questioning followed by me crying, he finally sort of snapped on me tonight. Looking back at our conversation, I absolutely had it coming. All this time I have been saying with my mouth that I support his decision whatever it may be, but my actions have been saying the exact opposite. 

"Trust is so much more than knowing I'm not going to cheat on you, Danielle. It's trusting that I can make a decision for my career that I know in the end will be the best for both of our benefit. Why can't you see that?  It's the kind of trust that makes our relationship ready for the next level of getting past boyfriend/girlfriend love we have now." 

I honestly had never thought of trust in Josh to be letting go of control and trusting that God is speaking to him enough to trust that the decision he makes will be what is in God's plan for us. How disrespectful of me to think that He hasn't heard clearly from God on this?!  At the time when I thought I had been supporting him the most, I have been so so wrong. Is it hard to let go of my control freak nature and my need to have every action carefully planned the way I want it? Oh my gosh, it's the hardest thing I've done. But this is what I have been looking for in a relationship!  A Godly man that challenges me and calls me out when I need it. One that is so sure in his God-filled decision-making that he is willing to stand up and cause an argument for what he believes God is calling him to do. But I shouldn't provoke him to that.

As his future wife (we aren't engaged yet, but have a purposeful relationship of two years and are heading in the engagement direction :)), I am excited that we had this argument tonight because it is laying the ground work for me to learn how to be submissive to him knowing that he is making choices of love for me and desire to please the Lord with his life. 

18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. - Colossians 3:18-19

That is so admirable to me and it makes me love him even more to know that he is setting our relationship up to be one that is truly pleasing to God. When our men are making decisions based on having heard from God, it is not our place to question it though it is insanely hard!  Sometimes we think of things that they may not have, but being able to bring our thoughts to our guys without it seeming confrontational or seeming to question their ability to make a choice, is a matter of how we choose our words. Saying something like, "Are you sure you prayed about this?" is incredibly offensive. However, something like, "Have you thought/prayed about {fill in the blank here}?" is a way to get your concerns across without being condescending. I am so excited to be learning this now before we get married so we have a strong base to fall back on throughout our lives now and in the future when we are married and making a life with each other. 

Josh and I at the Pirate's game vs. the Reds last night :)  We love baseball and I think he's warming up to candid pictures (it's about time, seeing as he is dating a photographer!)

Two is Better Than One

My Aunt Peggy and Uncle Frank have been together for 40 years as of last year. They got married in a decade where interracial couples were looked down upon in society. Only two others came to their wedding, and most gave them less than a year before they got divorced, but here they are 40 years later re-upping and renewing their vows with even more love for each other than when they initially got married. 

If you have ever been in a relationship, be it romantic or platonic, you know that they all have their up's and down's. It can sometimes be hard to see why you are involved with the person and it's often tempting to cut and run. However, God warns us about doing this... it's hard to recover from a fall when you've pushed away everyone who can lift you up!

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 

This has become abundantly clear to me in my relationship with my boyfriend but it can apply to any relationship you are currently in. It's hard in today's day and age to stick around long enough to fix something that's broken. Why do you think the divorce rate in America is 55%?  That is an abomination, friends!  We should be severely embarrassed that our generation is so inwardly focused and selfish that they can't stop long enough to help pick their friends (or significant others) up, dust them off, and get them back on track. Just because it is hard does not mean we shouldn't try.  

It is especially difficult when depression is involved. Depression has this evil way of sneaking in to your life and getting tangled up in every part. I can speak about this from experience from both the depressed side and the friend/significant other of people who are frequently battling with depression. It is ABSOLUTELY a real issue and it's ABSOLUTELY from Satan. Those who are depressed tend to be cranky, sad, and often times will push away their close friends without realizing it. It's easy to say, "Psht! Fine, whatever. I don't need to deal with this." But that's not what God calls us to as friends!  He says in Proverbs that a friend loves at all times and that iron sharpens iron. What better way to sharpen each other in a relationship than showing that you are going to stick around and put in the work even when the going gets rough?  That is how we can use our relationships to be a testimony to God's good work in our lives because without Christ being involved, we would have no reason or conviction to stay and make it work.

I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. You are brought together with friends, even if just for a season, to be seasoning in each others lives. Whether you are the motivator or the motivated, the depressed or the one pulling your friends up out of the mud, you are there for a reason!  You add something to life that is uniquely yours. You have been given gifts that you can use to show God's love, majesty, and omnipotence. 

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

-1 Peter 4:8-10

I implore you to prayerfully stay in your relationships when it gets hard. God sees your heart and effort and will bless your dedication in His timing.