Thoughts on "the most important thing"

Recently, an article went viral on the internet over at the True Love Dates Blog (http://truelovedates.com/sexual-purity-is-not-the-most-important-thing/) about sexual purity and it not defining who we are. As I read through it- with an open mind, because I love to challenge myself to try and see beliefs from other viewpoints- I was struck at how, though some of the information was solid, how much excuse making it seemed to make for believers who have chosen to give their sexual purity away. It is true that in the acceptance of Jesus Christ as our Lord and savior we no longer carry the burden of sin, and that when we accept him our slate has been wiped clean. He let's us start over fresh, knowing right from wrong he challenges us to live a life that would reflect how he would live... He lived a pure life.

I also agree that often in Christian dating purity can become the main focus in whether or not a suitor is considered "eligible" but why should it not be a main focus? God calls us to bring him honor and glory in the way we live our lives (that is the true number one thing) and he gives us sex as a way to do that in a dating relationship AND in a married relationship.

 Now hear me out on this one, it looks very different for both relationships. In a dating relationship we are called to bring honor to The Lord by abstaining from lusts of the flesh and by purposefully doing so, we can bring glory to The Lord in whom our satisfaction should rest. I hate the term "date Jesus first" but it's not far off. We should be so in love with The Lord and seeking to honor him that when the opportunity arises to pursue fleshly desires we are able to (together with our significant others) look to Him for help with abstainence. He WANTS us to ask him to help us in those situations and he WANTS us to OWN our purity because that is how we are called to bring him glory through sex in a dating relationship. 

I think too often Christians use loopholes as an excuse to go on doing what they want and know God will forgive them later. They know the grace of God but they continue on abusing it. If you have grown up in a Christian home, if you have grown up hearing the true gospel, if you know right from wrong according to the Bible, and you choose to continue in the same sin without trying to seek help, you are in a dangerous place. 

However, not all hope is lost if you have fallen into the trap of lies the world has provoked us with. You do not need to have sex to make your partner stay with you, you don't need it for self worth, you don't need it to empower you, you don't need huge sex appeal to attract someone, you don't need it to prove anything to anyone. The Lord graciously does forgive when we see the error in what we are doing, seek his face, and choose to repent. Not all hope is lost if you've already given it away because there is so much redemption and love waiting for you in the arms of God. It's not an easy task, and you have to be fully committed, but I believe that because our Lord is gracious and kind and forgiving that spiritually "revirginizing" is absolutely possible.  It is true you can never get your first time back, but in choosing to walk away from indulging in the lusts of our flesh it brings God so much joy that he will absolutely restore your peace and joy. It can be done, I have seen it happen, and truly it is one of the most beautiful things The Lord can do in a person. (It's so amazing to see The Lord work in people like this) But you have to bury yourself fully in the arms of our savior and find healing in Him. 

So in all, sexual purity might not be the ONLY important thing, but it's definitely a major subpoint under THE most important thing, which is striving to glorify The Lord in our lives. Dare to be different, rise above the pathetic norm our culture has created for the millennial generation. Prove to society that we will not allow satan to sneak into our beds while we sleep because we have the God of angel armies on our side protecting us, we just have to call them to action through prayer. 

The last thing I will leave you with is that this post is in no way, shape, or form intended to shame anyone or be judgemental. We all have sin in our lives that we should actively be seeking to strike out with God's help and our support systems. It is simply a challenge to my fellow believers to check on what you're doing because satan is getting sneakier and sneakier through our media and the internet. He is changing our world's entire belief system to directly go against what God has called us to in the Bible and is making it perfectly okay when it's not. What was once considered good is becoming bad, and what was considered bad is now becoming good. God's word has never changed throughout the generations, our purpose and his call on our lives has never once changed... Society has. It's not "old fashioned" to save sex for marriage, it's what God wants us to do. Don't let society tell you otherwise. 

{Relationships} The 'Living-Together' Pandemic

My Great Aunt and Uncle on their 40th Wedding Anniversary!  Sticking together is something to be celebrated!!

With Josh and I having recently become engaged, I can't even begin to tell you how much advice we have received from people on how they would "do over" their experience and what, in their opinion, we should do during our pre-marriage days. One of the most common questions we have been asked besides "Have you set a date," has been "You guys are moving in together first, right?" 

In the very beginning stages of our dating relationship, Josh and I discussed what our intentions were (dating with the purpose of finding our life-partner/helpmate) and if we found that we were meant for each other, what the process would look like. We both agreed from day one (October 21, 2011) that we would choose to honor God with purity until our wedding night and that if it came to getting engaged and married that we would only move in together after we tied the knot. Our relationship is very modern in many ways, but for things pertaining to our faith and beliefs, I supposed we are what American's today would consider 'old-fashioned' and I am perfectly okay with that. 

It seems almost timely that an article on cohabiting before marriage posted on The New York Times Sunday Review has recently become viral. In this article, clinical psychologist, Meg Jay, catalogs the revolution of cohabitation before marriage and why it, often times leads to the demise of marriage. I sincerely encourage all of my readers to click the link and at least skim the article. It is from a secular perspective, but still presents the case for not moving in together.

She quotes a few studies that have been done on how this became the norm in America and what it means for the dynamic of American dating and marriage. One of the she wrote confirms something I have been saying for years about the American family changing because of the sexual revolution that occurred in the 1960's...

"Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis."

 The acceptance of having sex before you get married is what has made prophylaxis an issue in the first place; it doesn't help that having 'up to seven sexual partners in your lifetime' is being advocated by pediatricians. Yes, I love my old pediatrician, but I cringed when we began these routine talks at my annual check-ups once I turned fifteen.  She was proud of my decision for abstinence, but assured me that my thoughts would change when I got a boyfriend. They didn't!  And actually, if anything, it made me more committed to my decision to wait. You don't have to worry about disease prevention if you aren't sexually active!!!

Many people also think that it is a necessity for a couple to live together before they get married so they can do a 'test-drive' before they get make a commitment to get hitched. When Meg asked one of her clients how she and her significant other ended up moving in together, she mentioned that "it just happened." When couples are having sex before they get married and are spending multiple nights per week at the house of their partner, the case for moving in to save money on rent and bills arises. Meg attributes this transition to a term called 'sliding-not-deciding.'

The danger with this is that when moving in together just happens, it jumps the gun for the natural stages of progression for relationships and many issues that should have been addressed first are swept under the rug. The predicament that moving in with a partner causes is the inability to walk away if you realize you aren't meant for each other; each person is dependent upon the other for a place to eat, sleep, and live. Eventually, they you get comfortable enough with each other that you decide to take the next step of getting married and quite often realize years (sometimes only months!) later that you are just really great coed roommates.

And America wonders why the divorce rate is said to be around 55%.

With everyone trying to jam their ideas down the throats of newly-engaged, it's really good to know the reasons behind the decisions you and your man have chosen to walk out your relationship the way you have. Not that everyone deserves to know every knitty-gritty detail, but just do that you can continue to honor God with your relationship. It really can help others when you choose to stay strong and not let the temptations of the world get to you. By choosing to stay pure and also to not move in together before marriage, you are telling the world that you hold the Biblical example of marriage sacred and dear and that you respect each other and GODS WORD enough to go against societal norms. It's just another way to use the pre-marriage stage of your relationship to reflect God's work in your life, and it definitely makes Him smile :)

{Boyfriends} Disrespect in What You Aren't Doing

trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. (Merriam Webster's Online Dictionary)

In a relationship, trust is such a multifaceted word. People tend to think that trust only has to do with knowing your significant other isn't going to cheat on you with someone else. For many, it takes a while to get to that point in their relationship because we bring "hurt" to the relationship in what we like to call "trust-issues." It may be worse now than ever because the concept of dating has become a past-time rather than a means of figuring out if you are compatible for life. It's all about the here and now and if you get along for now. 

This is why I really hate the fact that people today just "date around" in order to fill a hole in their soul that is loneliness. God never intended for a relationship between a man and a woman to be such a stressful speculation or a means of finding our self-worth. That's what HE is for! 

When you have been dating your man for a while and have built your relationship solidly on the rock that is The Word of God, there enters a third party mediator that acts as accountability for both you. It makes trusting the other to be faithful so much easier. Eventually in a long-term relationship you reach the point of being able to say whole-heartedly, "I know he would never even CONSIDER cheating on me." It's commonplace trust. 

But what about when he ask you if you trust him in other aspects?  What if he asks if you trust his decision-making ability for both of your futures?  That's HARD!  It's one thing to know your man would never cheat on you, but it's another to be so sure that he has BOTH of your interests in mind to allow him to make decisions that impact not only HIS but also YOUR future! 

A really good example of this is a conversation Josh and I had tonight, actually. He is moving to Cincinnati on October 5th, and I (obviously) have been taking it pretty hard. I don't do well with change AT ALL.  For some reason, I thought he's always come pick me up for dates at my parents house - even after we got married. Silly me, I know, but I have questioned him multiple times about if he's sure this is the right move for his career. After probably five different times of this questioning followed by me crying, he finally sort of snapped on me tonight. Looking back at our conversation, I absolutely had it coming. All this time I have been saying with my mouth that I support his decision whatever it may be, but my actions have been saying the exact opposite. 

"Trust is so much more than knowing I'm not going to cheat on you, Danielle. It's trusting that I can make a decision for my career that I know in the end will be the best for both of our benefit. Why can't you see that?  It's the kind of trust that makes our relationship ready for the next level of getting past boyfriend/girlfriend love we have now." 

I honestly had never thought of trust in Josh to be letting go of control and trusting that God is speaking to him enough to trust that the decision he makes will be what is in God's plan for us. How disrespectful of me to think that He hasn't heard clearly from God on this?!  At the time when I thought I had been supporting him the most, I have been so so wrong. Is it hard to let go of my control freak nature and my need to have every action carefully planned the way I want it? Oh my gosh, it's the hardest thing I've done. But this is what I have been looking for in a relationship!  A Godly man that challenges me and calls me out when I need it. One that is so sure in his God-filled decision-making that he is willing to stand up and cause an argument for what he believes God is calling him to do. But I shouldn't provoke him to that.

As his future wife (we aren't engaged yet, but have a purposeful relationship of two years and are heading in the engagement direction :)), I am excited that we had this argument tonight because it is laying the ground work for me to learn how to be submissive to him knowing that he is making choices of love for me and desire to please the Lord with his life. 

18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. - Colossians 3:18-19

That is so admirable to me and it makes me love him even more to know that he is setting our relationship up to be one that is truly pleasing to God. When our men are making decisions based on having heard from God, it is not our place to question it though it is insanely hard!  Sometimes we think of things that they may not have, but being able to bring our thoughts to our guys without it seeming confrontational or seeming to question their ability to make a choice, is a matter of how we choose our words. Saying something like, "Are you sure you prayed about this?" is incredibly offensive. However, something like, "Have you thought/prayed about {fill in the blank here}?" is a way to get your concerns across without being condescending. I am so excited to be learning this now before we get married so we have a strong base to fall back on throughout our lives now and in the future when we are married and making a life with each other. 

Josh and I at the Pirate's game vs. the Reds last night :)  We love baseball and I think he's warming up to candid pictures (it's about time, seeing as he is dating a photographer!)