{Boyfriends} Disrespect in What You Aren't Doing

trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. (Merriam Webster's Online Dictionary)

In a relationship, trust is such a multifaceted word. People tend to think that trust only has to do with knowing your significant other isn't going to cheat on you with someone else. For many, it takes a while to get to that point in their relationship because we bring "hurt" to the relationship in what we like to call "trust-issues." It may be worse now than ever because the concept of dating has become a past-time rather than a means of figuring out if you are compatible for life. It's all about the here and now and if you get along for now. 

This is why I really hate the fact that people today just "date around" in order to fill a hole in their soul that is loneliness. God never intended for a relationship between a man and a woman to be such a stressful speculation or a means of finding our self-worth. That's what HE is for! 

When you have been dating your man for a while and have built your relationship solidly on the rock that is The Word of God, there enters a third party mediator that acts as accountability for both you. It makes trusting the other to be faithful so much easier. Eventually in a long-term relationship you reach the point of being able to say whole-heartedly, "I know he would never even CONSIDER cheating on me." It's commonplace trust. 

But what about when he ask you if you trust him in other aspects?  What if he asks if you trust his decision-making ability for both of your futures?  That's HARD!  It's one thing to know your man would never cheat on you, but it's another to be so sure that he has BOTH of your interests in mind to allow him to make decisions that impact not only HIS but also YOUR future! 

A really good example of this is a conversation Josh and I had tonight, actually. He is moving to Cincinnati on October 5th, and I (obviously) have been taking it pretty hard. I don't do well with change AT ALL.  For some reason, I thought he's always come pick me up for dates at my parents house - even after we got married. Silly me, I know, but I have questioned him multiple times about if he's sure this is the right move for his career. After probably five different times of this questioning followed by me crying, he finally sort of snapped on me tonight. Looking back at our conversation, I absolutely had it coming. All this time I have been saying with my mouth that I support his decision whatever it may be, but my actions have been saying the exact opposite. 

"Trust is so much more than knowing I'm not going to cheat on you, Danielle. It's trusting that I can make a decision for my career that I know in the end will be the best for both of our benefit. Why can't you see that?  It's the kind of trust that makes our relationship ready for the next level of getting past boyfriend/girlfriend love we have now." 

I honestly had never thought of trust in Josh to be letting go of control and trusting that God is speaking to him enough to trust that the decision he makes will be what is in God's plan for us. How disrespectful of me to think that He hasn't heard clearly from God on this?!  At the time when I thought I had been supporting him the most, I have been so so wrong. Is it hard to let go of my control freak nature and my need to have every action carefully planned the way I want it? Oh my gosh, it's the hardest thing I've done. But this is what I have been looking for in a relationship!  A Godly man that challenges me and calls me out when I need it. One that is so sure in his God-filled decision-making that he is willing to stand up and cause an argument for what he believes God is calling him to do. But I shouldn't provoke him to that.

As his future wife (we aren't engaged yet, but have a purposeful relationship of two years and are heading in the engagement direction :)), I am excited that we had this argument tonight because it is laying the ground work for me to learn how to be submissive to him knowing that he is making choices of love for me and desire to please the Lord with his life. 

18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. - Colossians 3:18-19

That is so admirable to me and it makes me love him even more to know that he is setting our relationship up to be one that is truly pleasing to God. When our men are making decisions based on having heard from God, it is not our place to question it though it is insanely hard!  Sometimes we think of things that they may not have, but being able to bring our thoughts to our guys without it seeming confrontational or seeming to question their ability to make a choice, is a matter of how we choose our words. Saying something like, "Are you sure you prayed about this?" is incredibly offensive. However, something like, "Have you thought/prayed about {fill in the blank here}?" is a way to get your concerns across without being condescending. I am so excited to be learning this now before we get married so we have a strong base to fall back on throughout our lives now and in the future when we are married and making a life with each other. 

Josh and I at the Pirate's game vs. the Reds last night :)  We love baseball and I think he's warming up to candid pictures (it's about time, seeing as he is dating a photographer!)

Decisions

You know that feeling?  That one right before you are about to make your final decision on something, you sit there weighing all the consequences of your options and you feel absolutely torn in half?

On one side, you have your emotions and desires. Your secret pride that reminds you of all you have done to deserve one of the possible options. Your hard work, your time, your tears and frustration, all put together working so hard to get to your goal. The daily struggle with whether or not you'll be good enough to go all the way to achieve your end goal. The desired goal that you THINK you need. 

On the other hand you have your autonomic responses. Your gut telling you that the other option is the right one. It doesn't make any sense because that option is easy. You didn't work hard for it because it is what has come naturally to you, however for you it's just not good enough. It's not prestigious enough. It doesn't make you think. It doesn't provide you with the ability to alter someone's life by making advances and break-throughs in your field. And yet, that is where your gut is leading you. You know you'll have peace of mind with the second option.

You were pretty much born with the natural ability to succeed at either of your options and so much of your self-esteem is contingent upon what you ultimately choose to do right here at this very moment. You have gotten half way into achieving your dreams, half way to taking out your pride from the depths of your heart and putting it on display for all to see how good you are. How smart you are. How much YOU have become and succeeded in. But you feel worry and confusion about it. You can't clearly map out the rest of your plan. You are just floundering in this sea of self-importance and desire for others to realize how great you are because you have felt down on yourself for so long. If you just finish you will have gained the approval and respect of everyone in your circles of family and friends. If you don't, you think other people will attribute it to your laziness. There are so many personal feelings riding on this decision right here. 

But what if the other option, the one you have to work at less, is really the one that you are supposed to go with?  Deep down in your heart you know that this one would make you the most happy, but you don't want to lose everything you've worked so hard for. You don't want to lose the approval of even your closest family members and friends. You don't want to have to explain your seemingly stupid decision to just leave your hard work on the side of the highway and keep on going. But at the same time there is just something so wonderfully intriguing about this option. You know that it is the right option but your fear, unwavering fear, of failure and ridicule keep you from going on full steam ahead with it. What if you give up your hard work and go with this path and it fails?  What would you be left with?  Dried out dreams, lost hope and above all, the assumed inevitable "I told you so's" from your friends and family. After everything you've done, do you really want to deal with that?

The real question in all of this is at what point do you decide to stop your worrying, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and give it all over to God? What does HE want you to do?  How does HE want you to live your life to impact others?  If it is through success from hard work and time put in, then by ALL means go with that option. However, as Christians, we need to have faith that we can be used by God even in the smallest ways. That to be used by God, we don't have to go to a prestigious school or earn a doctorates degree to impress him or make him happy. After all, isn't He the one that fed 5,000 out of five loaves of bread and two fish?  The one that made a blind man see. The one that paints the most beautiful sunsets. Just as he paints the sunsets, he paints our lives. They really are beautiful, and everyone has a different part to play in the completed painting. If a line was unsatisfied with being a line and wanted to be a square, it would change the whole meaning of picture and it wouldn't work. The line sees the square as being more noticed and appreciated because it's different and seemingly more significant in the overall image. But what that line fails to realize is that there couldn't be a square without a line so the role it plays is just important if not more so than that of the flashy square. 

Its not easy to be happy with who God made you to be if you keep comparing yourself to others and looking to them in order to define your self-worth, your happiness, and your role in God's painting. THEY ARE NOT THE PAINTERS OF THIS PICTURE!  While it can be important to converse with the squares in your painting, you can ruin the beauty of the whole thing if you fail to get God's counsel. You need to recognize and accept the fact that you have been called to be a line in the painting and embrace it. People will still love you but it will be because you are joyful, dependable, and ultimately in God's will. When we are in the center of God's desire for our lives, He makes sure to add blessings even if we can't seem them now. You don't have to do something strenuous and scholarly to be doing something for God, but sometimes it's just embracing the fact that you are a called to be a line that can be considered "doing hard things".