My dear readers, I am deeply sorry for my absence in posting. The past few months since Christmas have been a whirl wind of trying to find additional employment, finding it, and quitting because I did not feel comfortable with the family.
Then ultimately - this week - finding out that because I gracefully quit my employment with a family, they falsified claims against me to Care.com (the service I use to find nanny employment) and my profile has been permenantly terminated from the site. After calking the service and pleading my case, I got a lovely email that said, "this decision is final, under no circumstances will your profile be reinstated, nor will you be permitted to start a new one."
I have never felt so hurt or violated in my entire life. I just can't possible begin to understand what sort of terrible person would even THINK to ruin a 22 year old's career as a nanny. All because I didn't want to do laundry or be subjected to numerous barating texts and emails every day and even on days where I wasn't working. I am not the quitting type - so you have to know that the sole reason for me terminating employment was due to severe anxiety it was causing... guess thats just part of the whole Generalized Anxiety Disorder I have. In addition, I could never support psychologically abusive parentig styles such as the ones that were bein practiced with this family. I'm not ashamed to say that I have cried numerous times over discovering that my profile has been eliminated - after all, I have done NOTHING wrong. I could go back and go through every single moment spent at their home from beginnig to end and examine everything I have ever said, and I hsve done that... but I can't even pretend to find something that would be worth calling a service to report a nanny because she quit working for your family. Its really pathetic and petty actually. Especially since THEY sought me out on the service, I never even applied for the job.
I have gone through stages of rage and anger which I believe is righteous because I have definitely been wronged in this instance. As I continue to pray and seek the Lord to help me with this anger, its been really hard to not turn it on God and say "why would you do this to me? I adore children and I felt like this was my calling." But every time I seek him, he has something to say to me. This mornjng it was in the form of my devotional study...
"In Sorrow
“If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” - Psalm 34:18, The MessageThere is a sacredness in mourning. There is a hallowed ground in the void that comes beyond suffering - in the place where we feel forgotten and afraid, where we are empty, spent, worn threadbare from the pain, where we feel the “No” still echoing through.There is a reckoning in sorrow. Whether we feel God’s presence envelop us whole or we feel desperately alone, there is an interaction with the Lord. We know He is there but the question is, How close? We know He brings good but we cannot see it yet, not in this.What does it mean to give thanks when we’ve lost what we could not bear to lose? What does gratitude look like in a heart that’s broken into a million jagged pieces? What do we thank God for then?There are the standard answers. We can look at other gifts in our lives, those things which we have not lost. We can thank God for what’s come before, the blessings in our past. We can thank Him for what’s still ahead, the blessings in our future. But sometimes our red, puffy eyes cannot see well enough for this. Sometimes all we know is what we feel. Sometimes all we can muster is simply to stand still.And did you know that that’s OK?Our God is not bound by conventional methods of thanksgiving.Gratitude can look like sitting in the sorrow for awhile, allowing the grief to burrow deep into the skin and become a part of us. Giving thanks can happen when we let ourselves feel every inch of the sadness, knowing that He feels it too.Christ’s fierce love for you is not quenched when sorrow steals your words or mourning silences your tongue. His flame for you only grows brighter in the darkness.Sisters, our Jesus mourns with us. He holds us near, even when we are too numb to feel it. We are free to weep, free to mourn, free to feel the loss. He feels it, too.We don’t have to explain it away. We don’t have to lean on clichés. We can lean on Jesus. He. is. right. there.Thank God for that."
So friends, please join me in praying for peace and also that this poor family would have their eyes opened to see that ruining a mere nanny's career may bring personal satisfaction in the present, but in the light of eternity, their false claims would stand a CHANCE against my God, after all... you can't lie your way into heaven.